My Imposter Syndrome Story
This is the third part of my Imposter syndrome series. In this issue, we discover the very real impacts of imposter syndrome on software developers by weaving through my imposter syndrome story.
This is the third part of my Imposter syndrome series.
In this issue, we explore my imposter syndrome story to discover the real impacts of imposter syndrome on software developers.
You can delve into more detail about imposter syndrome in part 1 - Is it really Imposter Syndrome?
And you can deep dive into where it comes from and how it takes hold in part 2 - 5 Key Influences Behind Imposter Syndrome
Let’s recap on what Imposter syndrome is with a definition and a brief summary.
Imposter Syndrome: A psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a "fraud", despite evidence of their competence.
To Summarise Imposter Syndrome
👉 It’s caused by HOW you think.
👉 This way of thinking is persistent.
👉 Evidence exists of your competence.
With that covered, let’s kick on.
My Story
My imposter syndrome story involves a new job, smart developers, huge expectations, and a less-than-optimal culture…
👉 And, of course, my own thinking!
New Job
It started with the interview; it went really well, maybe too well.
I’d worked for this guy several years earlier, and it was clear that he respected me and my talents as a software engineer.
Of course, this should have been a massive positive, but instead,
I‘m thinking:
👉 “What if he thinks I’m better than I am?”
Next, the salary was higher than I’d ever earned before…
👉 They’ll expect perfection for that money; I’d better not mess up.
Then… the statement, “You’ll be working with some of the best developers around”…
This should be awesome, right?
Lots to learn from awesome devs…
But…
👉 What if they all know way more than me?
👉 I’ll look stupid if my solutions don’t match up to theirs…
👉 If I ask for help, they might think I'm not good enough...
It’s fair to say I was on edge. I’d been battling all kinds of negative Thought Recursion for days before I arrived at the office…
Huge Expectations
In my first meeting with my boss, I was told that two different developers had attempted this project, and both attempts had been thrown away because they couldn’t get it to work…
Now it was my turn… from scratch… gulp…
👉 If two developers have failed, how will I do any better?
👉 Can I even do this from scratch?
I’ll be honest, I was bricking it, even though it wasn’t my first time in an environment like this, and it wasn’t my first time taking on a project from scratch...
But I had conveniently forgotten that…
Environment
The office felt dark and was open plan.
Everyone could see my screen, and I felt paranoid that others were watching what I was doing.
A huge image projected on the wall in the centre of the room had seven or eight green rectangles on it...
It was the current build status of our projects.
My first thought:
👉 Ah, that’s cool…
My second thought:
👉 Oh god, everyone will know if I break the build…
Smart Developers
The office was quiet. All the developers were heads down, headphones on, cracking on with their work, like the “best developers around” would be…
Before I started coding, I had to produce a tech spec to be approved by two other members of the team…
You know, the team of some of the “best developers around”…
It felt like a test; I spent far too long writing it and just as long avoiding sharing it…
The judgement I felt at the time was crushing.
The same happened when it came to pushing my code.
I was sitting at my desk, sweating at the thought of breaking the build and someone pointing it out as if it had never been broken before…
I delayed it, and delayed it, and delayed it…
Until I pushed it and left the room as I couldn’t bear to sit and watch the build turn red…
After getting through the first few tech specs and code commits, I felt a little more comfortable, but the weight of expectation was still heavy.
I found myself staying later, constantly thinking about issues while not at work and eventually dreaming about everything failing disastrously over and over…
I know what you're thinking, “but you were a junior, right?”
Nope, I had close to 10 years of experience at this point...
The Result
For a good while, I was anxious, stressed, and felt out of my depth.
I was just waiting for my boss to call me into the office and tell me I wasn’t as good as he had thought.
In the office, I worked alone, kept my head down, and contributed little to the wider team.
I didn’t socialise much; I kept quiet during meetings, and any updates were as short as I could make them.
Outside of work, I was distracted, my relationships suffered, and I leaned heavily on physical exercise for an escape.
I felt:
👉 Insecure about myself and my job
👉 Consumed by self-doubt
👉 Like I wasn’t in control
👉 A lack of confidence
👉 Anxious & Stressed
👉 Paranoid
👉 Lonely
👉 Sad
Spoiler Alert
This sounds like a horrible job role, and although it was far from perfect, much of what I’ve described was down to my own mindset and ways of thinking.
I wasn’t doing it on purpose; I guess I didn’t know any better.
I’m making this statement in hindsight; it’s not a blanket statement and definitely doesn’t excuse poor working practices and poor culture.
The spoiler is that it turned out to be one of my most challenging and enjoyable roles.
It was a real turning point for me in terms of personal growth and prioritising my mindset and wellbeing.
Software Development Factors
It doesn’t take much digging to see why so many people in software development might feel this way.
Software development has many factors that seem adept at triggering Thought Recursion, often leading to feelings associated with imposter syndrome.
For example:
👉 Our field is huge, and there’s always more to learn - approached in the wrong way, this can be overwhelming and make you feel like you don’t know enough.
👉 It’s a rapidly changing environment - Easy to feel like you’re getting left behind.
👉 It’s competitive - You’ll inevitably end up comparing yourself to others.
👉 Aiming for high performance and productivity - Often creates an overly stressful environment.
And in many cases:
👉 Blame culture - Contributes massively to anxiety
👉 A lack of Empathy - Results in a lack of support
👉 Poor communication - Creates uncertainty
None of these causes imposter syndrome alone, but they contribute to it.
They can encourage poor thinking habits that seep into your subconscious mind and spring to life when you least want them to.
The Impact On Software Developers
I’ve probably covered a lot of these in my story, but it’s important to highlight them front and centre.
The impact on software developers is very real and can be extremely damaging.
If you are not mentally prepared to think about some of these factors in a way that is helpful to you, then you’ll naturally go the other way…
Your thoughts will ultimately manifest as feelings and behaviours, and this can lead to software developers who:
👉 Overwork to “catch up” with expectation
👉 Shy away from new projects
👉 Often doubt themselves
👉 Take enforced time off
👉 Experience Anxiety
👉 Never feel fulfilled
👉 Don’t speak up
👉 Feel stressed
👉 Burnout
👉 Leave…
With this in mind, it’s obvious that software developers will not build lasting relationships, contribute to a thriving culture, innovate or produce quality software while feeling anxious, stressed and burned out…
They’re more likely to:
👉 Seem like they have a poor attitude
👉 Be difficult to get along with
👉 Avoid communication
👉 Want to work alone
👉 Not be very happy
👉 Be ill more often
👉 Feel victimised
👉 Be distracted
👉 Leave…
It’s not a recipe for a successful software developer, a high-performing and productive team, or a quality software product.
Rich’s Recommendations
Check out my recommendations to improve your wellbeing, mindset, leadership or tech skills:
👍 Basma Taha - Your Guide to Fast-Track Your Software Engineering Career.
Newsletter: An Engineer's Echo
👍 Hemant Pandey - Writes about career growth, study abroad and life experiences.
He's a Tech Lead at Meta.
Newsletter: The Hustling Engineer
👍 Crushing Digital - Dave Roberts
Get help to stand out in the market, land more interviews and get the job you deserve.
👍 NK’s weekly newsletter to learn system design:
Newsletter: System Design Newsletter
👍 Dev Leader’s weekly newsletter to help you level up as a software engineer!
From a Principal Engineering Manager at Microsoft.
Newsletter: Dev Leader Weekly
👍 John Crickett’s weekly coding challenge to help software engineers level up:
Newsletter: Coding Challenges
Conclusion
Imposter syndrome has a real impact on software developers, and it’s not just a professional impact.
The thoughts, feelings and behaviours spill over into our personal lives too, impacting our ability to show up as our natural selves in our relationships with family and friends.
It not only sucks the life and enjoyment out of work, but it can do the same for your personal hobbies too.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Imposter syndrome isn't inevitable.
In part 4, I’ll discuss how you can beat imposter syndrome and what’s more, you can take this approach before imposter syndrome ever comes knocking.
Prevention is better than cure.
Remember
There's nothing more important than your own wellbeing!